Day 146 Surrender

I just came from my doctor's office.

I have major (severe) depression. 

I am surrendering. 


I am now taking Wellbutrin. It is supposed to help control the depression and be gentle on my stomach. Drugs like this can take four to six weeks to "kick in" and start doing their work.

My depression has manifested itself in a total lack of motivation (as seen by the large absence I had in writing for the blog). I have little I enjoy in everyday life right now. Some days it is nearly impossible to get out of bed.

I've prayed and meditated. I've attempted to read but lose my concentration quickly. I'm not supposed to be out walking due to the injury to my foot. I fear my boot is a deterrent to future employers, even though I explain that it is temporary. I exercise the best I can without being on my feet, but that is a hindrance to really working out and making physical improvement.

So, I surrender. Maybe this will help, maybe not. I do know that I have to give it some time. I find myself wondering why it takes so long for this medication to start doing its job.

There is a stigma in my mind about doing this, as if I'm weak somehow and unable to pull myself up by my own bootstraps. Maybe it comes from old family issues where taking this sort of medication or seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist was admitting you were crazy, mentally unstable. I'm not unstable, I'm not going to hurt myself or anyone else. I'm just incredibly sad. All the time.

I've gotten pretty good at hiding it in public.  Inside, I'm withering. I'm sure there are folks out there that understand this. I'm not sure if this is something I've had for a long time (like decades) or if circumstances have pushed me into this state.  Certainly losing my job did not help a thing.

 I'm just...blah.

Motivation, or lack thereof, has never been an issue until this monster reared its head. If I wanted to do something, I made plans and just followed through with them. 

So, for now, there is the Wellbutrin. I hope it won't be a lifetime thing. I'll keep trying different nutrition tactics. I'll keep looking for a job (not ever again in the insurance industry),  I'll keep trying to post in the blog. I'll try to establish more habits that can help me through this.

I'll see if there are others who've gone where I am and listen to their advice. Together faith, fellowship, and family and a tiny little white pill are the tools I have to work with.  Maybe there are more out there.  I'll be looking.

All this isn't meant to say that I am hopeless.  It's just that I feel I've reached bottom. I'm still trying things. I'm writing down the things I need to accomplish. I'm journaling, keeping track of even the

small successes. I'm still making headway on riding myself of surplus and excess, working toward a more minimal lifestyle. I'm trying to go out more and not keep to myself so much.  I'm forcing myself to go places and do things.  

What I'd hoped would be a temporary emotional state has proven to be a little more permanent. I'm not proud of it and I sure don't like it but I am going to fight it with all I've got and with some assistance.

This is another phase of dangerous living. I can beat this and deal with this. I just now am admitting I can't go it alone. That may be the most important step of all.