Day 104 Ancient Betrayal

Remember when I said I was not a morning person? 

That hasn't changed, I'm still not a morning person. But I do set my alarm and since I've been back from Baltimore, I've done a great job of getting my butt out of bed before 9.  Yeah, I know, a lot of you roll out of the cozy warmth of your blankets well before then. My hat is off to you. And I am not being sarcastic at all. I hate being up in the dark.

I actually made it to a workout this week at 6:00 am. The first rays of light started hitting the sky sometime around 6:30. I was a waste case pretty much the rest of the day.


Today I was up at 8:00 am intentionally, because I thought I might have registered for working out at 9:00 and I didn't want to be late. I was wrong. I was scheduled for 10:00, so I thought I would make good use of my time and start chipping away at one of the boxes in the garage.

In the past, we've put important things in paper boxes that stack easily and can handle a fair amount of weight. These tend to be things we think are important to have around but that we really don't use much - you know like past tax filings.

The box I began to work hadn't been opened in years. In fact, it had a bungee cord wrapped around it to keep the lid on. There was some stuff from a business we attempted to start years ago and the box also had some certificates of completion for a number of courses. In the stack of paper I found another document that had been tucked away.

It was a letter of reprimand.  The letter mentioned drunkenness at work, sexual harassment, treating a customer poorly, and using unprofessional language.  

I knew about one incident that had happened several months before but I'd been told it had been blown out of proportion and that it was all a big misunderstanding by someone who was oversensitive. That was a case of "supposed" sexual harassment


I'd never seen this letter before. This was new information, some of it repeat information.  The person I trusted more than anyone in the world glossed the first incident over and now here was proof of another. It was from more than twenty years ago, and yet, I felt like I'd been stabbed in the heart and betrayed. Again. Today.

For almost seven years I've struggled with depression. I've struggled with some physical ailments the medical community created. I've struggled with my identity and sense of self-worth. 

For the first time, ever, I have written, physical proof that the problems I've been dealing with weren't all me. It hurt, like crazy, to find this stuff out this morning. 

The discovery hurt. I was surprised by how much. The difference though, between today and the past is that I am in a better place and I know that the actions of another, actions I had no control over, are not my fault, not my responsibility. So it hurt, but I didn't break down into a weeping mess. 

The ugly information I uncovered is helping me to be whole.

Wholeness is good. Wholeness that takes lancing a boil to bring about healing is good.  It sucks though finding this out after the fact.

I wonder how much I was kept in the dark about. I wonder how many lies there were when I was struggling to raise three kids and barely doing an adequate job of it. I was so trusting and naive.  I think I still may be naive, but I sure as hell am not trusting.  

There is only one person I can trust to pick up the broken pieces. It isn't the person who shattered me so callously. It isn't the person who convinced another that wife-swapping was the way to go.  It isn't the shrink or the kids or the dog who will put me back together (although they help), no matter how much they want to and how much they try.

In the end, it is only me. I am the only one who can take the ugliness and assign a new and better meaning to it.

I am the only one responsible for my wholeness.

So, while trusting is difficult, I cling to the broken pieces and am attempting to glue them back together. Friends, family, God all are there assisting, but I have to and am doing the work.


So, I didn't dissolve into a blubbering mess. I processed, and am processing this new information in light of where I am today.  And I can say "Screw you, it wasn't me."