Day 139 The Road So Far

I didn't think it was possible, but the "im"possible has become reality.

After one hundred thirty-eight days, I lapsed.  I fell off the wagon so to speak. A habit that I believed was pretty set in stone was in fact more like set in marshmallow.  Something that melts when it gets wet, something that melts when it gets some heat.

I failed. I melted. I stopped.


So, I thought that maybe getting back on "the horse" again would be aided by looking at the road so far.

For nearly four and a half months I contributed to this blog. There were a couple days that I was tired, but I didn't miss on a consistent basis like I have recently.  By all accounts, I've missed the last nineteen days.  

I could excuse it by saying I took an unexpected road trip - which I did. But that didn't constitute  nineteen days.

One of my friends, L, mentioned on Facebook that depression can sneak up on you at any ol' time.  That is so true.

Depression has not been my friend ... ever, but recently depression seems to have stepped up its insidious attacks. As Joyce Meyer says, it is a "battlefield of the mind."  

The battlefield has been filled with landmines of late - those of procrastination and lethargy. Bombers have been called in, dropping the devastation of inertia and lack of motivation.  Even now it is incredibly hard to put these words down in written form.

So, I decided to take a look at some of the things I had hoped to accomplish on this year of dangerous living.

I did write fairly continuously for over four months. That was something I haven't been able to do in any form for seven years.

I have managed to work out on a fairly regular basis, sans this last bout of inactivity (the nineteen days).

My coaches have told me that I've increased my muscle mass and bone density based on the records created by their SECA machine. The proper amount of water that my body is supposed to have has also increased.

I have figured out what medication was making me sick and have taken steps to correct that.  So far I've gone a little over a month without getting violently ill and ending up in the emergency room.

I have identified that I am dealing with depression (they say knowing you have a problem is the first step to getting well). 

I am writing and putting my random thoughts "out there" for the whole world to see (if they want to).

There are areas that need improvement.  Funny, they are the same areas where I have made some forward strides. I guess that is to say that the work in those areas is not yet finished.

I need to have more control over my diet.
I need to have more consistency in working out.
I need to push through writing for the blog even when I don't "feel" like it.
I need to remember that feelings are feelings and not fact.
I need to connect with people and not isolate myself.
I need to believe in myself.

Mark Twain supposedly said something along the lines of, "The two most important days in your life: The day you were born, and the day you discover why."

Somewhere along the way I've lost the why.  It is difficult when the things you love to do are blocked in any number of ways.  Maybe Churchill said this, "If you're going through hell, keep going." 

Whoever said it, had a point. I can't quit. Quitting just wastes more time and I've wasted enough of that. I don't know how long I have to slog through this particular hell. Maybe there is a chemical in my brain not functioning correctly.  Maybe it's my diabetes talking through my mind and body.

All I know is I have to keep fighting. I want to be around a good long time and I want that good long time to be quality time.