Maybe that's because for many years I didn't need one. With my faith system in place, I knew what the boundaries were, and the people I hung out with had similar lines and so crossing them was never an issue.
Then came the troubles. They've been hitting me hard for nearly a decade and have certainly challenged me in ways I didn't expect or plan. Through recovery and extensive talks with my immediate family, I came to realize that somewhere along the way, the hard and fast boundaries I thought I had no longer existed in an absolute clear black and white.
Often boundaries are considered between countries, counties, cities and other political divisions. Personal boundaries are more fluid and subject to change as one evolves.
Personal boundaries, or lack thereof, come from a number of sources. Probably the most influential is the example of boundaries set by our families. It may be the expectation that you are home and in bed by a certain hour, or you don't take things that aren't yours. Rules are what begin to set boundaries for us.
Even though we were often told "no" when we were children, perhaps the "no" boundary is the hardest one for us to enforce on ourselves.
Some would call this self-discipline. I will control what and how much I eat. I will decide and follow through with exercise. I will say "no" when it creates situations in my life that are not acceptable or tolerable. I will say "no" when I am being taken advantage of.
I will say "no" when not saying no hurts me financially, emotionally, spiritually, legally or physically. I will say no when I cannot accommodate another because of my health, time or personal goals.
This may present as saying "no" to a volunteer opportunity. This may mean not assisting a friend or participating in a project that is going to negatively impact my time. There are times for "yes" and there are times for "no."
Saying "no" to someone is not mean. It can convey respect for yourself. Each individual knows what is important for themselves. Boundaries establish our values and, honestly, those values differ from person to person. Some of your values may be in sync with mine, some may not.
However, I am the person who decides. No one else decides for me. I will not give up my personal power. I am in charge of making my own decisions.
Part of pushing personal boundaries is knowing what those boundaries are. Some of our boundaries, rooted in childhood, may no longer serve us. Others we need to strengthen and resolve to uphold.
One of the boundaries I am working on is a boundary that protects me financially and gives me peace of mind, i.e. eliminates stress. Hypertension is destroying my kidneys. Getting rid of the stresses worrying me is one way I can make my kidneys last longer.
When you have spent the better part of forty years saying "yes" and accommodating the wishes of others, saying "no" can be difficult. With practice, and clear boundaries; understanding your limitations and your growth opportunities, you can, I can, make the appropriate decision in defending my boundaries. Balance is achievable.
Boundary pushed, and set.