Day 155 Something Pithy Later

We've been rocking some high temperatures of late; this is the driest December on record.  The cold finally hit and it hit with the force of a Mike Tyson punch, dropping some forty odd degrees overnight.

That's okay, it is winter after all.  We had our first measurable snowfall a couple of days ago, and a little bit more today.  When the sun is out, though, it's easy to forget that the outdoor temperature is a mere twenty-three degrees, and with wind chill considered into the equation, colder yet.

Dat 154 Back to the Books!

Life is busy.  Shopping for holiday gifts, wrapping, mailing and going out and doing it all over again another day.

I don't know if I've mentioned it or not, but I think there are wonderful "finds" in gift shops.  My favorite gift shops are those associated with an art museum, but interesting shops abound, just about anywhere there is an "attraction."  My lovely sister-in-law got me these lovely Monet inspired water lilies from the Chicago Art Institute.

INow there is a new type of store I can add to my shopping list - antique shops.  C and I had great success yesterday at a shop that held about a hundred vendors. We found awesome stuff for the people we care about and made some interesting discoveries as well.  One vendor had, in perfect condition, newspapers from the early 1950's.  We discovered an attempt on the life of President Truman that neither of us had ever heard about.

A trip like this is great fodder for conversation as well.  It's an amazing time to find out how old your kids really think you are (LOL).

Day 153 Holiday Cheer

Things have been busy around here, as is often the case once Thanksgiving hits and the holidays arrive.

I can tell I am overall feeling better because I am finally getting things done.  I've foregone the usual Christmas letter in lieu of personalized hand-written notes in the cards. I've contacted insurance carriers regarding COBRA and Open Enrollment (which currently ends this week). I've attended three doctor appointments, baked cookies, shredded and tossed a good three waste baskets of unneeded paper items, gotten Christmas linen washed and onto various table tops, painted the deck, and have been consistent with drinking my concoction.

I've lost two for real pounds, and my blood sugar overall is a WHOLE lot better - we're talking 130 for fasting.

Last night, a group of us (nearly twenty) rented a limo bus and toured town looking at Christmas lights. 

One of the ladies used to own this company, and when it was sold she maintained connections with the buyer.  We got a great deal on this ride.  We were in the bus for about three hours, going all over town.

Day 152 Potporri

A little more of this and that.

C is stuffed up, feverish and in general, just miserable. He needs a couple of days of sleep which is not going to happen since they need every breathing body available for the close of open enrollment.

Hopefully the computer systems will be working properly.  It hearkens back to the days of the first open enrollment  where the state exchanges had massive web failures.  You'd think after all this time, properly working web sites and programs wouldn't be an issue.

This sort of thing is not uncommon, unfortunately.  Little tweaks have to be made each year - things like changing the plan year date, or the rates.  But, in two different companies now, I've seen that what should be simple isn't.  Updates break programs.  A little planning and a whole lot of testing should prevent overload failure but it doesn't.

Day 151 Getting in the Groove

Well, well, well.  Another post...of sorts.

I have made a list, yeah, and while I am not getting everything done on the list, I am checking things off and have even planned a few things for tomorrow and the day after.

This makes me feel like I am moving ahead, even if it is just a little bit at a time.  Some of the things on the list are absurdly simple, things like taking a shower.

Showing may seem like a ever day necessity, but when you are depressed and don't have a desire to go anywhere, and feel the only place you can be is your bed, the thought of showering plummets to the bottom of the survival list.

Day 150 Baby Steps

Today I noticed that I felt a little better. I think this is because my blood sugar level was close to normal this morning.  Great news, and hopefully, I'm on a better path.

Besides my feet and heart, the wild swings of my blood sugar have affected my vision.  I felt it change since Thanksgiving and so today I visited my eye doctor who specializes in retina issues.  I was pleasantly surprised as my vision had not changed as much as I feared.  I must remember, often times, fear is "false evidence appearing real." 

Day 149 Ashamed

I can't believe it has been nearly three months since my last post. Life has been busy, sort of. Things have happened. Depression has not been defeated.

So, I'll try to catch up a little bit and let you know about some of the dangerous living (or not) I've been doing.

Most recently, I had another stay at the University.  I went to walk my little guy and by the time I got home I could barely breath and my chest hurt - nothing like I have ever experience before. I went upstairs and took my blood pressure.

  It was 209/118 with a pulse rate of 115. A stop at Urgent Care registered slightly lower and they wasted no time in telling me I needed to get to the E.R. (my son was with me).

Day 148 Gratitude

In one of my daily readings I read about a person who decided to list, alphabetically, the items they were grateful for.  At the time, it was a begrudging task, but the author did it anyway as a gesture of trying to be more positive.  Doing such a task plants seeds of gratitude, and if you review your list frequently (every day?) you move from duty to sincerity.

So, I thought I would try the exercise, not out of duty, but because I have a number of people, things and events that I am truly grateful to have in my life.

Day 147 Trying

Depression is insidious.

Sometimes it comes as a relentless, yet out-of-the-blue sadness.

Sometimes it is a total lack of motivation

Sometimes all you want to do is crawl into bed and hide under the blankets. Sometimes you are angry, at no one in particular, and everyone in general.

There are some doctors who believe depression is related to the food we consume.  This isn't really surprising when you think about the huge numbers of people who are pre-diabetic or diabetic. According to one article in Arch Intern Med that was published in November of 2010, (Directional association between depression and type 2 diabetes mellitus in women) diabetic women are at a 29 percent higher risk for depression, and women on insulin are at a whopping 53 percent higher chance of manifesting depression.

Depression is real.

Depression is crippling.

And lots of people are dealing with depression through medication. According to Scientific American eight to ten percent of Americans are on anti-depressants. Mad in America reports thirteen percent of Americans are medicated for depression - up from almost seven percent in 1999.

That's a lot of people. 

Day 146 Surrender

I just came from my doctor's office.

I have major (severe) depression. 

I am surrendering. 

Day 145 Water Water Everywhere and Not a Drop to Drink

The quote used for the title comes from Samuel Taylor Coleridge, and is somewhat misquoted.  The poem is The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, a poem most of us had to read in high school.  The actual phrase goes:

“Water, water, everywhere,

And all the boards did shrink;

Water, water, everywhere,

Nor any drop to drink."

While the ancient mariner was bemoaning the fact that he was at sea without drinkable water since the water was salt water, the author of the poem didn't realize how true that statement would be for "modern" times.

Day 144 The Food We Eat

Our bodies are messed up.

A large portion of the population suffer from some sort of inflammation. This inflammation reveals itself in chronic pain, weight around the middle and a host of diseases associated with inflammation.

So, how good is the food we eat?

Day 143 Celebrations

I'll be the first to admit the summer is tough for me. There were so many things once upon a time to celebrate during the summer. Now, for the most part those celebrations are far and removed from my everyday life, yet the ghosts of those bygone days are still with me.

Maybe it's a female thing, or maybe a particular personality type, but I can remember special events as if they happened yesterday. There are times when that is a real blessing. When I'm alone, it's a real curse.

My daughter reminds me that we often celebrated with food. It's true. Birthdays usually involved the birthday individual selecting a favorite meal to have prepared. Around my house that was things like homemade macaroni and cheese, or tacos. There were years where special cakes were requested.  I remember a strawberry spring - and it wasn't centered on the Strawberry Shortcake miniature dolls.  There was a year I made an "army" cake complete with a Jeep and tank.  One year I decorated a cake like it was a shirt and tie for my brother-in-law.

Day 142 Simple Plots

Some days, my kids think I'm really funny.  Not because I'm a comedian, but because of some of the things I like.

For instance, I've mentioned I really, really enjoy the film Galaxy Quest. It makes fun of just about every science fiction movie/story line out there and has it's own unique story as well. The main characters, especially the Captain and his chief Science Officer have one of the nicest character growth arcs I've seen in a movie. Pretty tough to do in two hours.  They run it every so often on Netflix, so if you haven't seen it, I think you might like it.

Day 141 Catching Up

As I've often done, I am going to beg forgiveness for any typos I don't manage to catch. I had a five day stay at the University Hospital and in the process, my eyes have gotten bad. I'm thinking I'm due for some more injections as I've had in the past.

The trip to University started because I couldn't keep down an antibiotic  called bactrim.  At the beginning of last month I  developed an open sore on the top of my big toe that tested positive for a nasty bacteria.  The wound occurred because the edge of the cast on my right foot rubbed the spot until it was open and susceptible for an infection.

Day 140 Preparation

I know it has been awhile again since I've posted to the blog. It hasn't been for lack of want, but more for lack of content. I am trying to write every day, using another template called 750 Words.

This post may be a little short as well as I just got peppermint oil in my left eye. I've done a eye wash, but air is really bothering it right now

Content has been lacking as I mentioned before and that is my fault
 I haven't been engaging my mind enough and am in fact, wasting the time that I've been given.

Day 139 The Road So Far

I didn't think it was possible, but the "im"possible has become reality.

After one hundred thirty-eight days, I lapsed.  I fell off the wagon so to speak. A habit that I believed was pretty set in stone was in fact more like set in marshmallow.  Something that melts when it gets wet, something that melts when it gets some heat.

I failed. I melted. I stopped.

Day 138 Gentleness

It is important to remember that at first flush, going sane feels just like going crazy. Growth is erratic forward movement: two steps forward, one step back. Remember that and be very gentle with yourself. A creative recovery is a healing process. Julia Cameron, The Artist's Way

Several years back, I lost the ability to create ... anything.  Deep in my heart I knew that I was destined to be a creative creature, and had been in the past. Once upon a time, I wrote five novels in a year. Five. Minimum word count of 50,000.

That's a lot of writing.

One year I wrote a book in a single month, again, 50,000 plus words.  Creativity poured through my word processor.  

Day 137 On Serving

In case you haven't noticed, my worldview is Christian oriented. So, what I'm going to write about serving comes from that perspective, but I believe the principles are the same no matter your belief system. Hopefully, some of this will resonate.

I believe that deep down, most people are pretty good, despite the fact that we all screw up, some of us worse than others. There will always be exceptions, but I think the bulk of those fall into various categories of mental disorders and mental illness.

Because people are decent, for the most part, I also believe that on some level people want to help others, or they may be motivated to help an organization. This often manifests as serving or volunteering.  

Day 136 The Sequel

Is it that I'm too picky, or are sequels getting worse?
I saw the new Transformers movie today, The Last Knight.  

It was awful.

I mean the average review score of 41 was too high.

Day 135 Racing

I spent an interesting evening watching old videos of car racing.

Or, I should be more specific and say, I watched videos of cars racing on tracks that I've been to.

I watched videos of Cameros at the Michigan International Speedway in Brooklyn, Mi.  I watched videos of races from the racetrack in Flatrock, Mi and Owosso, Mi.  There was even footage from races held at the Berlin Speedway just outside of Grand Rapids.

Day 134 Love/Hate Superheroes

Right now I am going through a superhero phase.

Maybe because I really didn't do super heroes as a child. I vaguely remember Superman on television and remember him better when he was played by Christopher Reeves.  Adam West as Batman I watched in reruns on the not network local television station, back in the day, Channel 2.  I have vague recollections of the Green Hornet when Bruce Lee was Kato. Then there was Wonder Woman with Lynda Carter and the Bionic Man with Lee Majors and the Bionic Woman with Lindsey Wagner.

I can honestly say, I don't really remember a single episode. I remember some of the characters and that's about all.

Batman has been "rebooted" several times in film. All the movies had their positives and negatives. Marvel came back to life with Ironman and then brought us a host of superheroes in the Avengers.

Today, superheroes are big, really big business.

I just finished watching a two and a half hour or so invasion of Earth 1 by aliens. Supergirl, The Flash, the Green Arrow and all their associates banded together to fight off a group of aliens who were set to exterminate a special group of humans with special powers because these aliens were convinced they would be the scourge of Earth and of their home world. A preemptive strike as it were.

Day 133 The Interview

No, it's not the movie with James Franco and Seth Rogen about the dictator of North Korea.

It was the interview I had today with TMK.  I arrived early as is my general habit for appointments, and filled out a general form that had some specific questions on it such as being the subject of insurance fraud or being implicated or sued for insurance malfeasance.  While those aren't specific to many careers, they are common questions if you work in the insurance industry.

A few minutes after filling out this form I chatted with one of the recruiter's underlings.  Again, some general questions more along the line of tell me about yourself.    He explained that the process was a three step interview procedure and if I had the time I could move on to the next interview step.

Day 132 Preparation

I can't believe it is after midnight and I am still up, wide awake even.

I meant to go to bed hours ago, but I guess I'm a bit keyed up over the interview I'm having tomorrow.  The way I see it, it is really another dry run for the ones I hope will be coming real soon in the education field.  

For some reason I can't get the scanner/printer/fax combo machine we have to work so I had to head over to FedEx Office.  I had my resume in an email and forwarded it to them and boom, they printed three copies super fast.

Day 131 Coincidence?

I spent a goodly amount of time recently reading the prophet Ezekiel.  Man, that guy had to tell the Israelites some pretty bad news; the people were going to be captured, basically become slaves and live away from their homeland for seventy years.

That's almost four generations.  Long enough so the young people wouldn't remember what their homeland was like.

At one point in the reading, he was carrying his belongings with him to show that the people would only be able to take what they could carry.  Even the ruler was going to have to carry his own belongings into captivity.

Day 130 Steppin' Out

This depression thing is quite literally kicking my butt (or other words of choice).

However, I think I made a little forward progress today. For starters

I emailed the recruiter back and told him based on what he told me that I could not accept the position they wanted to interview me for. I didn't apply for it, it was a reach, out of the blue air for them to pull my resume and somehow think I fit.  No way, I don't.  I laid awake last night, going over everything in my head that he told me and as I was reviewing it I started to get knots in my stomach.  The kind that if you carry them for long are the beginnings of ulcers. No thank you. A perforated ulcer is what killed someone near and dear to me.

Day 129 Progress?

Shame on me.

I feel like I haven't made any real progress since my last post, so instead of writing, I hid.

I can't do that. I've done such a good job of writing every day about the things I'm finding out about.  So shame on me.

This post may be short, but it will be the truth.

Sleep has been claiming a lot of my time. I think it is because depression is rearing its ugly head and trying to devour me.  How bad is it? So bad that to avoid going to bed too early last night I watched Tremors 5.  Yep, I watched a bad series about the graboid worms and their life cycle.  Desperate.

Day 128 You Can't Always Get What You Want

Sigh.

That's a good sigh by the way.  I'm in my office, using my computer and my wonderful ergonomic keyboard and I have plenty of light and it just feels good to be working in this space at this time.

Yep, contented...sigh.

I've been doing a fair amount of reading of late.  Some "self-help" types of books. Been reading a lot on the internet too.  One of the things the authors seem to have in common regards the power of our thoughts.

When our thoughts are negative, we send out negative waves or "vibes" as the hippies of the 60's used to say.  The Bible tells us, "For as he thinks in his heart, so is he." (Proverbs 23:7).

Day 127 Alien Invasion

I love to learn - all sorts of things at random times.  I spent nearly three hours yesterday listening to a master salesman give a presentation on persuasion.

I also spent a little down time watching a show produced by the National Geographic Society.  Some of you may be familiar with Monster Fish, the show hosted by Zeb Hogan.  The show has been on for at least four years, so it must be doing reasonably well.

The episode I watched last night was about carp. These carp came to the US from China back in the 70's. They are big head carp and Asian carp. Personally, I've never been a fan of any type of carp, and these are no different.

Day 126...and there will come Soft Rains

I'm not really sure where the above quote came from. I remember hearing it or reading it and it always stuck with me. I have a sneaking suspicion it came from a Ray Bradbury story, perhaps the story, "All Summer in a Day." (To hear the story - about 11 minutes long, click on the title).

The story is getting to be pretty darn old. It was published in March of 1954 in the science fiction magazine, The Magazine of Fantasy and Science Fiction. It must have been quite the wild story at the time. A young girl is taken to Venus from Earth where she played in the daily sunshine.  On Venus, the sun only comes out once every few years, so seldom in fact that the children don't remember it. They can't conjure up any idea of what the sun looks like because they have only experienced rain. Only our young heroine does.  When she describes it to her classmates as a bright shiny coin they don't believe her.  The day they are to see the sun they lock her in a closet and forget about her.

It's a story, a sad one, about being different.  It captures the capacity of children to be abusive and their inability to trust something their senses can't confirm. It depicts how that inability to relate and handle something/someone different plays out in their everyday lives.  The following link is a visual depiction of the story. It is about 25 minutes long.  It is a very good adaptation of the story if 

you have the time. 

I remember reading this story, many, many times. I read it to my class. Their reaction was often like the reaction of King David when he heard the story about the wealthy man who stole a sheep, a family pet really, from one of his tenants, and then butchered it for a feast in honor of one of his guests.

Say 125 And I'm Praying for Rain

As I write this post, the thunder is rumbling in the night sky.  I haven't seen any streaks of lightning, but with all the noise I have to imagine the sky is cut with shards of bright light.

There is no rain here tonight, just a lot of empty promises.

It wan't that way earlier this afternoon.  Another spate of storms rolled through. A lot of noise at first, like so many of the others, but then the softest drops started to fall.  I could smell the wet dust on the driveway and so I found myself looking out the upper story window of my office.

There is a giant cottonwood to the north. It's been a bane for so many years.  In the spring it drops sticky yellow seed coats. Then the cottonwood comes.  For a few weeks during the summer it provides shade, until the really violent storms come and shake all the dead branches loose.  Some fall to the ground, but a good number just hang in the tree waiting to fall.

Day 124 On Waiting

As I've mentioned a few days in the last couple of days, my right foot is now enjoying the confines of a cast.

The cast is a whopping five days old and is already teaching me now things - one of them is waiting.  I probably got the basics of the lesson with the casting of my left foot, but now, being unemployed I am more aware.

For instance, it takes me longer to traverse terrain, so when I go somewhere I need to plan for extra time to actually get there. The knee scooter terrifies me. I toppled off it this past winter and broke my tailbone. So I go even slower than some of the 70 year olds I've seen on one.

I've learned to appreciate, really appreciate what permanently handicapped people have to deal with on a regular basis.  Every little seam in a sidewalk, a carpet, cement poses a risk for people who rely on walkers and wheelchairs.

Day 123 Turned Inside Out and Exploded

One of my favorite movies is "Galaxy Quest."  It's a quirky science fiction movie that is about a science fiction television show.  The movie pokes a lot of fun at television series like "Star Trek." 

At one point in the show, the hero, played by Tim Allen, needs to be transported to the ship in a manner called "digitizing."  The ship has been carefully recreated based on the aliens watching the science fiction television show. Only, they have figured out how to make everything work.

Day 122 New Norm

The last two days have been days of adjustment.

Friday, I got the cast on my right foot.  It's interesting what losing your dominant foot does.  You don't realize the little things like getting out of bed - your first step is with your dominant side. Same

with walking up steps/stairs.  You go to your dominant side first.

Life in the tri-level is interesting because I have to deal with stairs on a regular basis.  I may end up sleeping on the family room level just to avoid one longer set of stairs, as opposed to the five steps into the kitchen/living room level.

So, I'm getting used to doing things differently - again.  

Day 121 It's Like Fishing

I've been fishing, maybe a dozen times in my life. Maybe.  There are a couple things I remember about those widely separated

experiences.  One - you have to have the proper equipment. Two - you have to have the proper bait. Three - you have to have the proper amount of patience.

If you don't have those three minimally, you won't be much of a success fishing.

Day 120 Dangerous Living

I recently returned from Minneapolis. C and I have been on the road a lot lately and it has been for the most part absolutely wonderful.

When last I wrote I talked about flying being a rather uncivilized method of transportation.  The security line was long, but C and I got through fairly quickly as I had the use of a wheelchair. I'm back to not walking, the Charcot foot appears to be making itself known in my right foot now.

Day 119 Civilized Travel

Recently I saw Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade on the big screen.  There were speed boats, motorcycles with side-cars, regular cars, tanks, horses, airplanes, and even a zeppelin that the intrepid explorer and his father used in their escapades.

Every time I see the scene with the zeppelin I'm struck by two things.  One is the clientele on the zeppelin.  The wealthy and well-heeled, and the staff.  Traveling by air was a class act and people got dressed up for it. Cabin staff waited on people like they were in a nice bar or restaurant.  People were polite. It had the appearance of civility. 

Day118 Hair, Hair, Hair, Hair, Hair, Hair, Hair

Back in the late 60's there was a musical called "Hair".  There were over 30 songs in that musical, including "Aquarius" and "Good Morning Starshine,"  along with the title song, "Hair."  It is reported that Tim Curry (Rocky Horror Picture Show) got his start in the musical when it performed in London. Diane Keaton (Looking for Mr. Goodbar) starred in the musical in New York.  It was a ground-breaking show due to the subject matter (calling for an end to the Vietnam war as well as a fair amount of nudity.

The lyrics for "Hair" are interesting:
She asks me why
I'm just a hairy guy
I'm hairy noon and night
Hell that's a fright
I'm hairy high and low
Don't ask me why
Don't know
It's not for lack of bread
Like the Grateful Dead
Darling

Gimme head with hair
Long beautiful hair
Shining, gleaming,
Streaming, flaxen, waxen

Day 117 Change is Good?

They (whoever 'they' are) say that change is good.  

Sometimes.  Sometimes change is forced on us without our consent, like when we develop a medical issue or complications from a procedure.  In that case, perhaps change isn't so much good as it is necessary.

Now that I am being booted on my other foot, I am 'enjoying' change again.  The past two months had been rather nice, being able to fully use both feet. We were working on redeveloping my gait; I was walking around pretty well in Baltimore, each day feeling like my ankles and foot were getting stronger. 

Somehow, the base of my second toe broke.  I doubt it was anything I did while I was walking using both feet. So, change has been forced.

Changed was forced on all of us when we were informed we were no longer needed by our former employer. Some folk bounced back fairly quickly from the announcement, not waiting until the bitter end before they began to look for a new employer. They missed severance and unemployment.  Given all the roadblocks several of us have run in to, they probably chose the better path.

Day 116 Bad News/Good News

I've taken the past few days off to process some information I've received in the last forty-eight hours.

Mortality is a very real, tangible thing.  I was speaking with a woman in line at the pharmacy today. She was in a foot contraption, had a cervical collar around her neck and told me she had a pain management system implanted under her skin. She'd been rear-ended six times in the last year on a rather busy road on our side of town. 

I told her I was quite familiar with the road as I drove it for the past four years and knew how congested it could get. Then she told me the company she worked for.  I could barely believe what I'd heard as she named the company-that-shall-be-named.  She worked in a different division than the one I worked in but had heard of the lay offs.

The lady was just 60.  Hunched over the way she was (she'd had several back surgeries and was preparing for yet another), thin with gray-blonde hair she appeared much, much older.

Day 115 Surviving a Lay Off PT 2

Now that we've briefly reviewed some of the very real emotions you might go through because of a lay off, it is time to get practical.

In the most basic of realities, a lay off means a reduction, perhaps drastic, in income.  You may qualify for unemployment insurance based on a number of factors, but the truth is that the payment(s) you receive from this source will not equal what you earned at your job and it may not be as timely as you'd like.

If you are fortunate, there might be a severance package available to you. Unemployment takes this into account and will delay any payments to you based on their internal calculations.

Day 114 Surviving a Lay Off - PT 1

Oh that we would have been smarter.

I attended a two hour class today regarding surviving a lay off.

Our metro area coordinates with the state unemployment insurance department to get folks registered in their local county work force program.  At the work force site, they have several computers for people to work on their resumes, do job searches and take internet classes.  They also offer classes on-site.

Day 113 Monday, Monday

Monday, Monday, can´t trust that day
Monday, Monday, it just turns out that way
Oh Monday, Monday, won´t go away
Monday, Monday, it´s here to stay
Oh Monday, Monday
Oh Monday, Monday
(The Mamas and The Papas; Written by John Edmund Andrew Phillips • Copyright © Universal Music Publishing Group)

Day 112 Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to those of you who celebrate the holiday.  There are a lot of good and great moms out there that have given a lot to their kids, whether or not that is recognized by those offspring.

For me, Mother's Day conjuers a lot of different memories. For the first few years I was a mother, it was a nice card, flowers and dinner out. Somewhere around the time my eldest was four or five, I received the usual and a beautiful pearl necklace.  

That rivals one of my best ever Mother's Days.

I have some rather definitive views on gift giving, especially a gift from a man to a woman. Not everyone feels as strongly as I do, because in later years, I've come to know that gift giving is a love language and it is one of mine. I also show love by giving my time to people followed by acts of service. And my best love of all is surprise gift giving!

Day 111 Another Experiment

I started conducting a different experiment this week.

Four days ago, I was dreadfully ill.  So much so that I barely got out of bed.  My illness has been on-going for about three years now - about the time the company changed our insurance. 

It started with a drug called Victoza.  I went in to see the endocrinologist and he told me I was doing things the "old school" way. He switched me from R and NPH insulin to Humalog and Victoza.  From the Victoza website:

The following percentages come from the studies in which people took Victoza only, not in combination with other diabetes medications; thus, these numbers probably most fairly represent the actual likelihood of Victoza causing these adverse reactions. In other words, the results are not skewed by the simultaneous use of other diabetes medications.

In these studies, the most common Victoza side effects included:

    Nausea -- in up to 28.4 percent of people
    Diarrhea -- up to 17.1 percent
    Vomiting -- up to 10.9 percent
    Constipation -- up to 9.9 percent
    Upper respiratory tract infection (such as the common cold) -- up to 9.5 percent....

Day 110 Stepping Out

Yesterday, I went to a government agency to sign up for their job search portal. It is required by unemployment insurance in my state to do so.

They didn't have any jobs I was qualified for. I'm searching for a job that will be something I will enjoy and hopefully pay decently. I really don't want to go back into sales or health insurance if I don't have to do so.

So, I went to a job search engine called Indeed.  You can put in your city, and a key word to match what you think you're looking for.  I used "writer" as my key word.

Day 109 Learning

I've been watching a lot of Grey's Anatomy.  I really like Shonda Rhimes the creator and producer.  I started by studying how she built the characters.  They do things I don't particularly care for, but those things often create the conflict that drives the story.

There was an episode I recently watched, where I had advance information about something that was going to happen, about a character who was going to die. I knew it. I knew how this death was going to occur.  When the time came for the character to die, I was so focused on another character who was fighting brain cancer that I didn't even see the death of the first character coming.

It was brilliant.  I learned so much about story from that situation.

Tonight, I watched another episode. This time it was just a different way of story telling.  It was a series of flashbacks done in such a lovely frame that it didn't feel like flashbacks and it made sense. Three very distinct subplots were manipulated with ease in this manner - attending doctors lecturing about their intern days.  Again, brilliant.

Day 108 Waiting

The story of the man waiting by the healing pool has bounced around some in my mind today.

According to the story, he'd been laying near that pool, every day for thirty-eight years.  Thirty-eight years.  Can you imagine it? Can you imagine waiting for anything thirty-eight years? Waiting in the wind, the rain, the cold, the snow. Waiting for people to show kindness to you by providing food or a warmth from a blanket. Did someone take him in, physically carry him into their home when the nights grew bitter?

Day 107 Small Victories

The past few days have been struggles. I lack motivation and it takes effort to not crawl back into bed.

I combat these days the best I can, but sometimes I forget the tools I've been able to give myself.

Today, I remembered. I used my post-it-notes and jotted things down.  I didn't get all those jots completed, but they are there to give me something to do tomorrow.

I was partially successful today because of my dog, Bolt.  He's rather insistent about getting outdoors.  I guess, when you have to go, you have to go.  He gets in my face about it too.  I think he has some sort of honed sense of when I've had enough sleep.

Day 106 Metformin Moments

I've been diabetic for about twenty-six years. 

At first they tried to control my Type 2 diabetes with diet.  Unfortunately, it is difficult to use diet as a control when you live in a family where everyone else is not diabetic and expect things like cake and ice cream and donuts and bread and potatoes.  

When you factor in not setting boundaries and not putting your foot down about what is acceptable and what isn't as far as diet goes, you make the problem worse. My family didn't really understand what being diabetic was about, although my oldest, when he was about six or so went to a class with me about how to carb count.

The lack of discipline in not following a proper diabetic diet is my fault.  I didn't know how to say no to the people in my life, the very people I was responsible for feeding. I didn't draw a line in the sand and say this far and no farther. That is totally on me, ignorant as I was.

Day 105 Descending Darkness

"Do you want to get well?"

That was the question posed this morning in church.  "Do you want to get well?"  The worship leader had just gotten out of the hospital and had been there for five days with a contagious condition.

That was the question the Master asked a paralyzed man who'd been that way a long, long time. The question was simple, but the man didn't respond with a yes or a no. He responded with an excuse.  

"Do you want to get well?"

The question has bounced around in my mind all day long. It's a question that pairs nicely with wanting to be whole. The question was easy enough to answer, just one word needed. Yet,  the question wasn't answered simply. 

Day 104 Ancient Betrayal

Remember when I said I was not a morning person? 

That hasn't changed, I'm still not a morning person. But I do set my alarm and since I've been back from Baltimore, I've done a great job of getting my butt out of bed before 9.  Yeah, I know, a lot of you roll out of the cozy warmth of your blankets well before then. My hat is off to you. And I am not being sarcastic at all. I hate being up in the dark.

I actually made it to a workout this week at 6:00 am. The first rays of light started hitting the sky sometime around 6:30. I was a waste case pretty much the rest of the day.

Day 103 Experiment

Life can be a bit of an experiment. As humans we are wired with a little gland called the amygdala. It governs our flight or fight response and it is a quick learner. It has to be - it's job is protection.

Some experiments teach us. Remember putting the lit candle under the jar in science class?

The flame extinguished because it ran out of oxygen. We learn knives are sharp and stoves are hot and ice is slippery. Those were life experiences that the amygdala registered and stored. When we enter a potentially dangerous situation, the amygdala goes into action, pops up the appropriate expected reaction based on those past life experiments/experiences and instantly preps us to run for the hills or fight for the victory.

So, I did a little experiment and my amygdala isn't going to soon let me forget the result. A couple of folks asked about the Paleo Brownies. I made them and don't foresee doing them again anytime soon.  My amygdala has said that cacao doesn't taste very good.

Day 102 Catching up

I am so not a morning person.  People who've worked with me these past few years know that.  The days when I hit the office pre seven caused a few eyebrows to lift and a few grins.

Coffee doesn't wake me up, although after two or three in the afternoon it will keep me up past midnight.  Hence, I try, and sometimes forget, to avoid ingesting caffeine products in the later part of the day.

In a world that runs off a standard working day, I don't quite fit.